Having a Bad Face Incident? Spots, wrinkles, redness, dryness, freckles in weird places, funky dark under eye circles, bags, sags, itches, make up that decides to turn on you for no apparent reason?
I hear you.
Bad Face Incidents happen. To everybody. It’s a part of being human. Whilst it’s unlikely that you’ll have the full gamut listed above all at once (if you do, you poor thing, here’s a digital cuddle), I’d wager the next six months’ pay that not one of you reading this post can say that you haven’t had at least one of the above problems in the last twelve months. That’s ladies AND gentlemen, because I know blokes get Bad Face Incidents, too, even if they appear to shrug them off more easily than women.
What I know to be true is that until such time as the miracle cream/pill/product is invented, that wipes out spots/wrinkles/redness/freckles/cold sores et al, we’re all going to be in the Bad Face Incident boat at one point or another. Cold comfort, but comfort nonetheless, to know that it’s as much of a certainty as death and taxes that most humans will wake up, look in the mirror while brushing their teeth, and baulk.
So what can you do when you find yourself facing a Bad Face Incident? There are certainly things to address the specific concerns you have that, to a greater of lesser degree, are largely dependant on your budget, willingness to change your lifestyle (goodbye, Benson and Hedges, the bells of our love will ring in my heart 4 evah) and your stance on botulism as a suitable injectable (for the record, I’m undecided on that one, let’s have a chat about it after my next milestone birthday). Most of the remedies to Bad Face Incidents, though, take a little time to bear fruit. This isn’t helpful when you are mid-baulk, with your toothbrush lolling about your gaping-in-surprise mouth, and wondering how you are going to face the day without a paper bag.
While it’s not going to solve your wrinkles, your itches, your cold sores or your under eye circles, I do have something simple to suggest that will make you look infinitely better, irrespective of the particular Bad Face Incident that you have the misfortune of living through. I’m going to tell you, right now, because if you are having a Bad Face Incident, there’s no time to be tardy.
You need to grab a pair of tweezers, set yourself in front of a well lit mirror, and pluck your eyebrows. You too, boys.
The beauty of a good brow job is that no one will notice WHAT you did, but everyone will notice that you did something that makes you look better. Here’s why.
A good brow job will open up your eye area, making you look instantly more awake and younger. If you ARE younger, it will make you look FRESHER, which is also a good thing, particularly if you are so very, very unfresh as a result of adopting a youthful attitude to drinking, ciggies, and late nights cleaning up vom (belonging to you and, worse, to others) at house parties. This is especially true if your brows are like the Spice Girls song, and take ‘Two Become One’ as a directive. Gentlemen, this is a move your brows seem particularly fond of, so I would recommend starting in the middle of your brow and working outwards until there are two distinct hairy places as opposed to one. Feeling better already, aren’t we lads?
A good brow job will make your eyes the focal point of your face. Which means that when people look at you, they won’t be looking at your spots/wonky lippie/sprouting mole/as yet unspecified bad face incident. No, sirs et madams, they will be looking into your eyes, deep into your eyes, entranced by the beauty that they no doubt will find there. Because, if you haven’t noticed already, everybody has absolutely beautiful eyes, in one way or another. Go on, have a look. Don’t stare (it’s rude) but next time you encounter a real live person, take a peep at their peepers. See? Beauty. Right there. Even if their owners were otherwise totesies mingsies (Totally minging. I’ve been watching Bondi Hipsters on YouTube, and have been inadvertently hipsterising my vocab all week. Soz). Let’s accentuate what’s no doubt lovely about you with some lovely brows. Ming mitigated.
A good brow job will make your face so much more expressive. Back in the day when I used to be a Flirty Florence (many, many, many birthdays ago), the final arrow in my cupid’s bow was a quick flick of my meticulous brow, and I was, most of the time, In. Likewise, I was (and still am) a sucker for a cocked brow. Beyond flirting, though, a good brow job will allow your quirky/cute/serious/sincere/downright hilarious facial expressions to show – never a bad thing, provided you can modulate your face for the appropriate social setting. I once got told off by a student for wincing whenever he spoke in tutorial. Probably would have been good, in that situation, to have a less expressive face. Let’s revise my previous statement, then, to it is ALMOST never a bad thing to allow your facial expressions to show. (Although, having great brows certainly helped me pull a convincing Face of Contrition during the subsequent conversation. Perhaps greater facial expressivity granted by a good brow job is a double edged sword. Best wield it wisely).
Finally, and most importantly, a good brow job, for the above reasons, will make you FEEL fifty million per cent better about your face. Which, as we all know, is the real crux of the bad face incident – it’s about how you feel about your face, not as much about that wrinkle or that pimple that shouldn’t be there. So when that morning I described at the beginning of this post happens (and it will happen), and you find yourself confronted with a Bad Face Incident, remember two very important things: first, you are not alone, and second, grab those tweezers and get that swaggah back.