Jeanius.

1) Select store. Avoid anywhere vaguely fashionable.
2) Locate the denim section of the store. Take three deep breaths.
3) Reject denim that features the following: whiskering, fading, back pocket detailing, acid wash, rhinestones.
4) Select the following: two styles, no more, in at least two sizes each. The styles ought to be significantly different fits. You may also select two different colour washes, but no more. The purpose is to take a deep, rather than a wide, sample, to comprehensively establish the validity of a particular jean.
5) Enter change room. Reject help of sales assistant.
6) Remove all clothes except undergarments.
7) Group jeans according to style, in descending size order, darkest colours first.
8) Take jeans off hanger. Insert lower legs into jeans. Pull up.
9) Using belt loops for leverage, ease jeans over thighs. If you are aiming for a fitted jean, the following sub steps apply:
i. Insert fingers into belt loops.
ii. Jump into the air whilst holding belt loops.
iii. Land, still holding belt loops, in order to completely insert thighs into slim fitting jeans.
iv. Assure sales assistant that you do not need help, or at least, not any that s/he can provide.
10) Button jeans. Do zip. Take three deep breaths. If jeans remain buttoned, proceed to step 11. If not, take jeans off and repeat steps 8-10 with alternate fit style.
11) Critically assess jean. If the denim is grazing the floor in bare feet, the length is acceptable. If the denim smoothly upholsters thighs, the cut through the leg is also acceptable. If you cannot see the outline of your labia, and the zip sits as a ‘V’ rather than a ‘W’, the fit around your hips is acceptable and you are taking appropriate steps to risk manage camel toe.
12) Critically assess muffin top. If overhang is greater than one inch, repeat steps 8-11 with alternate fit style. If overhang is minimal (one inch or less) but the jeans feel firm, address the following additional criteria:
i. Is it your special time of the month? If so, the jeans are the correct size. You will shrink by the end of next week.
ii. Does the fabric contain elastin, spandex, or lycra? If so, the jeans are the correct size. Stretch fabrics will expand an inch at minimum with wear.
iii. Is it the afternoon or evening? If so, the jeans are the correct size. You will shrink when you are no longer pregnant with a food baby.
13) Turn around. Make use of double view mirror in change room. If you see two bottom cheeks, the jeans are the correct size. If you see four or more bottom cheeks, repeat steps 8-13 with alternate fit style.
14) Turn around to face the mirror. Give yourself a high five/fist pump. You are a jeanius.