No One Likes a Hosiery Hoe

Tip #1: Always, always, always, always, ALWAYS keep a virgin pair of basic black tights and basic black or nude stockings in your hosiery drawer for laundry/ladder/last-minute-important-event emergencies. By virgin, I mean still in plastic. Those black opaques you’ve worn twice do not count as virgins. They’ve been around the block already, sister.

Tip #2: Avoid snags (which always occur when you’re running late for the bus and have already busted out your virgin pair) by filing your nails as soon as you trim/break them. Similarly, put your jewellery on after you’ve put on your hosiery, or select pieces with smooth settings. Gentlemen, if you are looking for a significant piece of jewellery for a significant other, factor in the hosiery-snag-factor in your final decision. It will save your household money and running-late tantrums, thus enhancing your domestic bliss quotient.

Tip #3: Unless you are nubile and/or a fan of hip flexor stretches, DON’T put one leg of your tights on and roll all the way up to your crotch. You will have to bend yourself like a paperclip to get the other leg in. DO insert your legs into your tights simultaneously, so that you can pull the tights up both sides at once and avoid groin strain. If, however, you enjoy an early morning challenge, go right ahead and relish the joy of having Birkram bendy legs. And keep the number of your chiro handy, just in case you are not quite the yogi you thought you were.

Tip #4: Manage ladders with a dab of clear nail polish. This works best if you apply it while you are wearing the tights.

Tip #5: To stretch tights that are too short, tie one end securely to a bedpost. Wind the tights around the other bedpost, loop them, and stretch them back to the first bedpost. Fasten securely, leave overnight, and, voila, your tights will be long enough in the morning. For drastic cases, do this with wet tights. NEVER have a pair of tights stretching on your bedposts when you entertain guests. It can imply some proclivities you may not be comfortable with.

Tip #6: You can easily repair tears in openwork lace or fishnet tights (SO big this season) by carefully drawing together the two sides of the tear with a needle and thread. Unfortunately, this doesn’t work for opaques, sheers, or printed tights.

Tip #7: Extend the life of your torn and laddered plains by layering under a pair of openwork lace or mesh tights. Double the warmth, with the advantage that no one will notice the tears and ladders in the pair underneath.

Tip #8: Similarly, if crotch tears threaten imminent disgrace to your reputation as a lady, layer a (large, plain, respectable) pair of panties over your tights. I maintain this is how the undies-over-the-tights look got so big in comics. Bruce Wayne was merely rationalising his hosiery expenditure.

Tip #9: Dark colours minimise, bright/light colors magnify. Vertical stripes or patterning will lengthen your legs, horizontal patterns or detailing will expand them. A black dress, black tights or stockings, and black shoes, will lengthen the eye line. Select hosiery with these principles in mind.

Tip #10: Try a garter belt and stockings, they are more practical than you might think. It’s easier to carry a single stocking (in case of tears and ladders) in your purse, as opposed to a balled-up pair of tights. Stockings are also cost effective, in that if you wreck one half of a pair, you can save its lonely other half as a backup. Just be sure to pick a brand and colour and stick to it if you are not a fan of the mismatched legs look.

And, finally…

Tip #11: Remember, at all times, that tights and stockings are a capitalist lie, designed to part women of the world from their hard earned dollars. If you really to revolt, wear them ripped, torn, layered, and mismatched. But just remember tip #8 about being a lady. Make like Batman and layer with sensible panties, because no one likes a hosiery hoe.