Fifty ways to leave your hair care regime

Dear Trichomania American Cream (Lush Trichomania Shampoo, DISCONTINUED, Lush American Cream Conditioner, $33.95 for a 500g bottle),

They say breaking up with a hairdresser is one of the hardest breaks a woman has to make. It’s not true. This is by far the hardest thing I’ve done (since this morning’s Pump class). Tirchomania American Cream, you’ve been my hair care regime for the last two years, but it’s over. The writing has been on the (shower) wall for quite some time.

You came to me at a difficult point in my hair cycle. I was growing out of some unhealthy colouring habits, and had been abusing silicone based hair care products for far longer than I care to remember. It’s a common phase for young girls in their early twenties, but I now know, being common doesn’t make something OK.

In many ways, you saved my hair from a downward spiral of aggressive dyes and smothering repair treatments. From that very first time in the shower, you unleashed something powerful on my follicles. Your smell alone – vanilla, coconut, a hint of citrus – intoxicated me. Your deep conditioning thrilled me. You were smooth, banishing my flyaways and frizz with your honey-sweet caresses. You bought my hair, gently, back to life after one too many bleach jobs.

We were good together, you and I. Never had I had such good hair. People stopped me in the street to ask what I was doing, and my answer, immediately, joyfully, was you. I thought I’d found the one.

Then, about a year in, things changed. Was it just me, or did your once sweet smell become cloying? Did your smoothing and conditioning drag me down? Every hair care regime goes through a period of adjustment. Maybe this was ours? Each passing week, though, bought no change. Instead, my hair became increasingly suboptimal.

And, then, I cheated on you. You were out of stock. I was desperate. My hair was filthy. It needed a wash. So I found a little bottle of I Love Juicy (Lush I Love Juicy Shampoo, $10.95 per 100g bottle). Although I Love Juicy’s banana-ey overtones made me gag, it did leave my roots voluminously invigorated. It was then I realised what was missing between us. I’d glimpsed what life could be like with bouncy, full, luscious hair. I threw away that little bottle of I Love Juicy, willing to give things another shot with you. But I couldn’t forget that incredible root lift that my sneaky bottle of I Love Juicy had given me.

Things went downhill fast. Rinsing thoroughly, I was still overwhelmed by your sticky residue. My hair clung limply to my scalp. I was using a can of dry shampoo (Batiste Tropicana Dry Shampoo, $9.95 per 100g bottle) a week. You know that’s not healthy - for hair, for the environment, for my budget. My ends were split and frazzled from too many attempts at the inverted-head-vigrous-hair-volumising-brush-up (don’t try that without a note from your chiropractor) by way of a desperate attempt to shake some life back into my hair. And yet we still couldn’t get the volume up.

So it’s time for us to part ways. No, I don’t want to keep trying till the end of the bottle. I’ve gone out and got myself a new regime, so I’m afraid it’s bin time for you. It seems cold, such an unceremonious goodbye after so many good times together. But Big Veganese (Lush Big Shampoo, $25.95 for a 330g pot, Lush Veganese Conditoner, $23.50 per 250g bottle) gives me root lift and volume like you never could. It’s entirely vegan too. Not that that matters, but I admire commitment to a cause.

I’ll remember you fondly, even though things got so lank at the end. I’m sure there are plenty of women out there who will appreciate all you have to offer – your sweet smell, your deep conditioning, and your soothing smoothness. Indeed, I heartily endorse you as a hair care product, and wish you many happy shower times together. But I’m no longer one of those women who wants what you have to offer. My hair needs invigoration, my hair needs energy, my hair needs the fresh smell of lime and sea salt, my hair needs root lift, root lift you just can’t give me.

Take care, we’ll always have Chifley (not quite the same as we’ll always have Paris, is it?)

Peg

Xoxo

Ps: this post, as with every post on this blog, is unsponsored. It’s just hair care advice from one woman to another, no subtext, no hidden messages, no financial incentives. Enjoy!