Could it be TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld? And Other Fish Parenting Dramas.

I’ve held off writing about this for the last week, scared to jinx anything, but I am now pleased to report that, after months of umming and ahhhing, I now am the proud owner of a fish tank. A rather glamorous tropical fish tank, if you must know, replete with plant life and two (for now) rather charming angel fish.

They are called TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld and DiamondsAndPearls. I think I should rename myself TheMostAwesomeBestowerOfNamesOfAllTime. This coming week I plan on adding a couple of suckerfish to the tank to help keep algae down. I think I’m going to have to lewdly name the suckers DirtyMind and IWannaBeYourLover. Eventually, I hope to have about 6 angelfish and 2 suckers, but I’ve been advised that it’s best to establish a fish population gradually. Something about bacteria, filters, and the alignment of Neptune and Pluto, no doubt. But back to the original story…

A couple of Fridays ago, Zsuzannah Verona and I made our way out to Fyshwick (what a wonderful suburb of Canberra – so much more to it than porn and pyrotechnics) to investigate fish options. A half hour later, Zusannah Verona and I were loading my car with an aquarium, a heater, a filter, some rocks and plants, a ph tester kit, some fish food…but no fish! This was because, according to the friendly man at the fish store, the tank needed to be established, the ph tested, the filter operationalised, and the temperature juuuust right before my fishy friends would be able to call my apartment their home. (This is the benefit of going to a reputable aquarium supplier – they really know their stuff and can get quite bossy about it, in the BEST possible way). Given the amount of (highly enjoyable) fuss and preparation my fish were demanding, I felt it only reasonable that they have diva-tastic names to reflect this. Hence, Zsusannah and I settled on Prince Song Titles as the naming theme for the fish. I feel that The Purple One would deem this most appropriate.

Zusannah excelled herself in her petgodparent duties. Without her calm guidance, I am convinced that the filter would have been put together wrong, the tank insufficiently filled, and the plants poorly arranged. We went out and ate some pho to celebrate (incidentally, Vietman Café at Woden does a fantastic pho – well worth a visit).

Perhaps, though, celebrations were premature. When I went back to the fish store later that afternoon, having double checked to satisfy myself that, yes, the tank was ideally ph’d, heated, and planted, I realised, rather foolishly, that I was going to have to delicately balance my small plastic bag containing two teeny tiny and quite scared angel fish while I drove the ten minutes back to my place.

What I should have done, with hindsight, was rest the bag on my lap as I drove. What I did, really really foolishly, was sit the bag in the passenger seat footwell, which meant that every time I turned a corner, the unsecured bag rolled about chaotically, giving my fish a significantly more traumatic start to life than I had planned. Fish parenting FAIL.

Clearly, though, angel fish have evolved to survive owner stupidity, and I was relieved to see when I pulled up at my apartment that the fish, although disoriented, had not retreated to that great aquarium in the sky.

The dramas were not to end there, though. Following my instructions to the letter, I allowed the fish to float in their bag in the tank for ten minutes to grow accustomed to the temperature. So far so good. Then, I opened the bag, submerged it to allow some tank water in, and allowed the fish to gently get used to their new water for about fifteen minutes. I went away to answer some emails, and came back to see how my piscean friends were doing.

DiamondsAndPearls was the only fish in the bag.

I had lost TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld.

(At this point, it’s worth mentioning that DiamondsAndPearls is pure white, and TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld is black. The background of my fish tank is black. Perfect camouflage, much?)

I searched high, I searched low. I rustled all the tank plants. I took apart the heater and filter, dreading that TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld had met a tragic end in the filtration pump. No sign. I checked behind the tank, fearing that she’d committed hari-kari and jumped over the edge. No little black fish corpses were to be seen. I was just about to give up and concede incompetence in the fish parenting stakes when, from behind a large green leaf, I glimpsed a shimmer of black tail.

Could it be TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld??

Ten minutes later, I saw movement over near the driftwood I had installed for fishtacular fun and games. Definite proof of life, and proof that I am not completely incompetent in the fish parenting stakes, despite some early setbacks.

A week and a bit has passed, and, while DiamondsAndPearls, her showier tank companion, is all over the attention-from-the-humans thing like white on rice, TheMostBeautifulGirlInTheWorld, like all things of true beauty, can only be seen when you aren’t looking for her. But when you do catch a glimpse, it’s plain to see the reason why I couldn’t name her anything else.